There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
