Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
