His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
