I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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