I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
