I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
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You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
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my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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