My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
