God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
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