Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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