textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
