how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
