I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize