i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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