Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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