I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Randomize
