Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
