If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
