I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
