I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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