just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
