Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
