I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
