You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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