Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
