Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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