Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
