the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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