he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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