Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
