I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
