I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
