My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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