Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
