he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
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