You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
