Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize