I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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