I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
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Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
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Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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