I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
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I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
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By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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