well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
