the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
In America we eat man semen.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just want to make out with him forever
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
