Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
