If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
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