considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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