We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
