It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Be still, my beating vagina.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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