You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
