My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Well I just put wine in my tea
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
