I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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