his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
