I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
