When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
