I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
