I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
