She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
