I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
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how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
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No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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