i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
