I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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