Pappa wants mamma naked
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
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