Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
